


Hurt

by yrrosoban



Category: NCT (Band), We Go Up - NCT Dream (Music Video)
Genre: Angst, First Love, Hurt, Love Marriage, M/M, chensung - Freeform, jeno being confused, markhyuck, nomin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-09
Updated: 2021-01-09
Packaged: 2021-03-13 11:34:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28652832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yrrosoban/pseuds/yrrosoban
Summary: & There he was. Sitting in front of a full-length mirror in a fitting ash blue suit. His now faded blue hair was parted from the side revealing his round forehead. His doe eyes were lined with black eyeliner as the eyelids carried the glittery peach shadow with a light shade of brown at the corner. His lips were painted in a pinkish hue, making them look fuller than they already were.Na Jaemin still looked pretty. If possible today he looked prettier than before.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee, Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin, Park Jisung/Zhong Chen Le
Comments: 4
Kudos: 40





	Hurt

Jeno used to wonder what could hurt more than break ups & losses?

Maybe unexpected actions? From a total stranger? Either bad or good?

  


It hurt when his mom died years ago. It hurt when his drunk father threw him out at the age of 15. It hurt when he had to spend days in the cold streets of winter with his empty stomach growling in hunger. It hurt the night when a complete stranger, a lady in her mid forty took him in, gave him a warm bath as well as his favorite seaweed soup. He cried when he hit his twenty at the same kind lady's house, who showered him with nothing but kindness & love. After spending the last 4 years of his teenage years with the lady Jeno finally accepted that he had a home. A home he could come back to anytime. A home with a mother figure waiting for him with her arms wide open to give Jeno the warmest hugs. Somewhere where he would be safe from all pains.

Mrs. Kang used to baby him like he was still a child. As much as Jeno whined at her actions, the corners of his lips would always curl upward in a small smile as he would lean into her touch. The lady loved him like her own, & Jeno learned to return that love gradually.

It was Jeno's last night with Mrs. Kang before he moved to the university dorm due to the distance between the institution & his home. He wasn't necessarily happy, he wanted to stay home because he knew what it felt like to not having one. But he still agreed when Mrs. Kang brought up how she wanted his well being & proper education.

That night the duo had a talk, mostly Mrs. Kang trying to make Jeno prepare for a new world, & Jeno claiming that he was gonna be okay saying that he was stronger than before, both emotionally and physically.

"There are so many things that can hurt more than your past Jeno-yah"

That night Jeno didn't understand it. He wondered what could hurt him more than getting his heart broke? Losing his home? Then finding it in a place where he never expected to get one?

What could hurt him more?

  
  


After Mrs. Kang took him in, Jeno had stayed to himself. Making friends to liking someone wasn't something he wanted when he knew that all of them gonna hurt him in the end. Well it wasn't obviously something that Jeno couldn't handle, but who would want to get hurt intentionally?

But Jeno's resolve broke down when he saw the boy with the brightest smile he had ever seen. Jeno felt his heart skip a beat when he realized the smile was actually directed toward him. 

Jeno would like to disagree at that moment, but it was indeed love at first sight. Jeno tried to avoid this fluffy feeling inside his chest which was only growing bigger with every second he spent with the boy. & The boy being his dorm mate only caused Jeno want to scream at his stupid heart for beating so fast & loud 24/7.

It was the 3rd year of university when Jeno  realized the feeling wasn't one sided. He noticed the other's shy gaze on him when the boy thought Jeno wasn't looking at him. Jeno noticed how the boy's cheek would redden in cherry red whenever Jeno somehow ended up close to him for different "unintentional" reasons. Jeno noticed the way the other boy's large eyes would sparkle while talking to Jeno, even though Jeno was pretty sure he talked like an old man. The boy somehow found his reserved self more attractive & interesting  than going out & partying with his friends. The boy had found spending time with Jeno, learning about his smallest behaviors & details more enjoyable than getting wasted like other uni students. & It  made Jeno to spend more time, talk more, share his small little secrets & insecurities with the other boy who accepted all with his lovely warm smiles. Jeno found someone again who could break his heart into pieces oneday, who could hurt him again just like he was hurt before.

But of course. Jeno knew how to handle that. Jeno already knew how to cope up with the heart breaks, so it wouldn't be that hard if the boy would really hurt him. 

So Jeno took the risk. The risk of getting hurt again by someone.

That's how he found himself catching the soft pink lips of the other boy a night before their year end vacation starts. Jeno was silently listening to other's ramble about his art classes one moment, & the next moment he was up from his seat walking toward the clueless boy before pulling him up by his shirt collar in a hungry kiss.

Things escalated from there very quickly. Jeno pushing down the boy on his bed, undressing them both, loving every inch of the pretty boy who was shivering in pleasure that Jeno suddenly threw at him.

Jeno felt something within him stir awake as the boy's soft moans filled his ears, his soft shy touch burned Jeno's skin. Jeno felt the need to mark every inch of the boy to let everyone know that the boy belonged to Jeno, he needed to let the boy know that Jeno felt the same, may be more.

The night was long & they were young as they spent the night loving each other with passion, cuddling like babies later. That night they didn't establish a relationship, not they talked about where they stood now. May be both of them weren't ready enough that night. But that was the mistake. They were ready, but they didn't know.

This nameless relationship was stretched for a year, until their graduation. It was clear as day to everyone that both boys liked each other by the way they stole glances in the hall, or ditched their friends & classmates to go on dates in different cafes or may be in pet shops. Everyone knew they were exclusive with the way Jeno's arm would snake around the other boy, the way cold Jeno would smile at the other with his eyes turning into crescents. It was clear as water. But still both the boys were dumb enough not to give a name to their relationship.

It hurt when Jeno left without telling the other boy anything after their graduation, but not that much. He somehow managed to make amend with his hurting heart that it was the best for both of them. They both needed to grow, both needed to see the world more, fix up their careers & all. They didn't need to be in a relationship to love each other. They didn't need each other to fulfill their voids. So Jeno left the dorm with his belongings quietly, while the other was waiting for him in a cafe they had promised to meet because the boy had something to tell Jeno.

It was good to be back home. Mrs. Kang was ready with her warmest hugs, that slightly lessened the heartache Jeno was having since he left the other boy. That night Jeno stared at the dark sky as his mind unintentionally started thinking about a boy with a pretty & bright smile, doe eyes sparkling with excitement as he stared at Jeno. Jeno missed him. He wondered if the boy missed him too. Jeno wondered if he had hurt the boy too much. A frown marred his forehead thinking of the boy hurting & crying because of Jeno. He never wanted that. But he knew, he wouldn't be able to stay with the boy with his increasing insecurities. 

In the back of his mind, Jeno knew all were just excuses. Jeno was just a coward. He was just afraid to get hurt again. He was afraid that it would hurt more in future when he would be left alone again.

But of course, Jeno refused to acknowledge it & pushed it far back inside his mind & locking it there.

Jeno was now 29. Working in a renowned company. He still lived with Mrs. Kang, who was now getting weaker with every passing day. Jeno had gotten better now. He was still insecure sometimes, but much better than 6yrs ago. He now eased up to people, smiled more & most importantly he made friends. 

& that's why he was now in front of a church in a plain blue suit that he bought a week ago after Mark dropped that his little brother was getting married & he wanted Jeno to be there to help him out.

"Finally you are here!"

Jeno rolled his eyes at the stressed looking Mark who was walking toward him with a fed up looking Donghyuck trailing behind him.

"Hello to you too hyung…& hey Hyuck!" Jeno greeted the other only to get a light punch on his upper arm by Donghyuck.

"Handle him! I can't handle his stressed ass anymore!" Donghyuck shoved the stressed Mark toward Jeno, who threw an offended look at  his long-term best friend & boyfriend in return.

"He's panicking like it's his wedding instead of his brother's!"

At that Jeno snorted, knowing Mark indeed had a tendency to panic over anything & everything.

"Why don't you guys get married today too? Like it's a good idea you know? I won't have to deal with Mark hyung being a panicked gay again in some church later & you too won't have to tolerate his "stressed" ass again Hyuck!"

Jeno teased as the trio walked inside the church. Donghyuck snorted at that, "Mark hyung didn't grow balls yet to ask my hand for marriage. Maybe when his little brother will have a dozen of kids then Mark hyung will propo- wait.. why are you standing there?"

Donghyuck stopped on his track when he noticed Mark was missing from his & Jeno's side. He looked back to find Mark standing frozen a few  feet away from them with wide eyes, & sweats forming in his temple. 

Jeno frowned at the scene as he took a step towards Mark, worried that the older was having a panic attack. Donghyuck speed walked toward the older with the same worry before cupping Mark's sweaty face with both hands asking to take breath. Jeno saw Mark closing his eyes immediately and taking a few breaths as Donghyuck guided him.

"Hey? Feeling a bit better?"

Donghyuck asked in a soft tone, not trying to work up the older again. Mark slowly nodded holding Hyuck's hands on his face before he brought them down. He took a deep breath once again before he looked directly at Donghyuck's worried eyes. Jeno found his heart warming at the sight of a small smile making its way to Mark's lips as he tried to assure the younger that he was okay now.

But then happened the most shocking event.

Mark took a step back, creating a bit distance between him & Donghyuck, making the both Jeno & Donghyuck look at the older with confusion. & Then Mark Lee without any word kneeled in front of Donghyuck, still holding Donghyuck's one hand with his one hand, & bringing out a small blue velvet box from his suit pocket with his other hand. 

Jeno stared at the scene unfolding in front of him with wide eyes as Donghyuck gasped noticing the small ring box on Mark's hand. It was unprepared, it was messy. But as soon as Mark stuttered out "Marry me" in a small voice after he said a bunch of things like Donghyuck would have to tolerate his panicking self for whole life & all but Mark would try his best to do better for Donghyuck, the latter immediately kneeled down & hugged Mark as he kept saying Yes again & again. 

Yes, it was messy, it was unprepared, it was a below average confession or proposal, but it meant a lot when Mark finally gathered courage to do it. It was a crying mess after that. Both Mark & Hyuck were crying as Mark slipped golden band on Hyuck's finger & Jeno clapping & cheering for them alone, making the trio laugh.

It was a good day.

But not for long.

Everything came crashing down to Jeno when he mistakenly entered inside the wrong groom's room. He was supposed to be at Mark's brother, Jisung's room, but Jeno messed up & ended up in Jisung's groom's room.

& There he was. Sitting in front of a full - length mirror in a fitting ash blue suit. His now faded blue hair was parted from the side revealing his round forehead. His doe eyes were lined with black eyeliner as the eyelids carried the glittery peach shadow with a light shade of brown at the corner. His lips were painted in a pinkish hue, making them look fuller than they already were.

Na Jaemin still looked pretty. If possible today he looked prettier than before.

"Jeno? Is that you?"

  


That moment Jeno finally understood what Mrs. Kang told him years ago.

From a long time, Jeno had wondered what could hurt more than break ups, losses & unexpected gains.

_ It's the uncertainty. _

The possibility that he still had the chance to talk. The possibility that they both could still catch up.

Jeno realised, he actually had no problem with losing someone, as long as he knew that this was permanently over. And that the door wouldn't open ever again.

But what really hurts the most, was all the guesses if that really was the end or maybe it was just a bad chapter and the story is not over yet.

In fact, The uncertainty kills. Silence without a definite answer kills. & The door; which is neither completely open nor permanently closed, kills.

Another thing that hurt the most was Regret.

Regret that he couldn't say three simple words to the one he loved. Regret that he broke that person's heart in the process of saving his own. Regret that he missed the chance to make the person his. Regret that he couldn't be the one to marry the one he loved.

After Jeno disappeared on Jaemin, he spent a year with his cowardly reasons & resolve, pretending he was happy, he wasn't hurting. He soon found a job to keep himself busy, as he believed he just felt bored & alone in the house which led him to think about Jaemin more & more. He was distracted the whole day due to pressure of work, but in the end his nights were spent with thoughts & dreams of Jaemin.

Jeno saw Jaemin two years later in a cafe, working on his laptop while taking sips of his death drink every now & then. Jeno remembered vividly how all the emotions & feelings rushed back in front of him as soon as his eyes landed on the pink haired boy, pouting at the laptop screen. Jeno remembered how his heart started to beat quicker, how his breathing became heavier, how words stuck on his throat when the barista asked him about his order. That moment Jeno felt the pain of uncertainty. The pain of not knowing where he stood, what he could do & what he couldn't. He wanted to talk to the other, catch up, apologize for leaving Jaemin like a coward he was.

But he couldn't. Because he was still a coward then. Drowning in uncertainty, as he watched the other leave after half an hour.

Now he saw Jaemin again after 4 years. & This time he felt the pain of regret. 

He wondered if he hadn't left Jaemin waiting in that cafe 6 years ago what could have happened.

He wondered if he had approached Jaemin 4years ago when he saw the latter again in a cafe, would he be in Jisung's place right now.

The pain was unbearable. It was killing him from inside knowing today he was losing all the chances he had with Jaemin. Today he was losing Jaemin for good. Now that he thought about it, every pain had it's different way of hurting people. He thought it was okay to lose someone for good, because it will hurt only once & then it would stop forever.

But here he was, sitting on the backyard of the church; eyes & heart filled with pain of losing the same person twice because he couldn't take a fucking risk. But this time Jeno didn't cry. Because he knew he didn't have a valid reason to give Mark & Donghyuck for that.

He waited for the wedding to get finished as he stared at the blue sky. It was too blue. Like someone spilled a bucket of deep baby blue color in the sky. It looked unreal, but real it was.

"It's too blue, isn't it?"

Jeno whipped his head back to the side only to see Na Jaemin sitting beside him without even caring about the soil ruining his designer suit.

"W-what are you doing here?!"

Jeno stuttered as Jaemin looked back at him with confusion evident on his face.

"Why? I can't be here?"

"But- but the wedding-"

"Oh! It's done already, even the photoshoot too. Mark  hyung & Hyuck had been looking for you all the time.  So I  kinda volunteered to look for you." Jaemin said as he looked back at the sky.

"But Jisung?!"

"What about him?"

"He won't mind that you are here?" Jeno asked worriedly, as he took a few glances behind him searching for anyone who could see the groom sitting with him.

"Huh? Why would he mind? That brat finally got married to Chenle! What else is there to mind about?! I can't be walking into their honeymoon suit now, can I?" Jaemin deadpanned.

On the other hand, Jeno stared at Jaemin with a dumbfounded expression trying to process what he just heard.

Jisung got married to some "Chenle". & here Jeno was moping around thinking Jisung was marrying Jaemin! 

"Wait a a minute- you! You really thought it was me getting married to that kid?!" Jaemin asked bewildered making Jeno's ears heat up in embarrassment, which only confirmed Jaemin's assumption.

"Wait is that why you ran out from the room earlier like you had seen a ghost?! You thought I was the other groom?!" 

Jeno turned away to other direction trying to hide his red face from Jaemin, who was now laughing so hard that tears were coming out from his eyes.

"God! You haven't changed a bit Jen. Overthinking about everything then running away without hearing anything!"

Jeno felt his world stopping at the nickname. It had been 6 long years since he last heard it from Jaemin.

He felt Jaemin standing up from the ground & looked up in panic, fearing he was gonna miss another chance to hold on to Jaemin. But it seemed like Jaemin wasn't planning to leave him. 

Jaemin held out his hand in front of Jeno, as a shy smile adorned his lips, cheeks dusted in soft pink hue.

"Come on… We have a lot to catch up. & You have a lot to make it up to me. I had been waiting for a long time after all."

That moment Jeno swore that he would do his best not to run away again. He wouldn't be a coward again. He knew he messed up a lot, he made Jaemin wait for a long time. But he also knew Jaemin never needed him to be perfect. Jaemin would want him to be himself, more open about them, trust them & finally give a chance. & It's gonna be starting with him finally saying the three words.

So Jeno grabbed Jaemin's hand tightly, but instead of him getting up he pulled down the younger who gasped at the sudden force & fell over Jeno.

"Oh my God! What are you-"

"I love you"

Jeno saw how Jaemin's eyes widened before they started glistening with unshed tears, how Jaemin's pretty pink lips were wobbling as he tried to bite the lower one hard to stop himself from crying.

"I-it's not fair! We-we need to talk a lot! I need to give you a hard time for ditching me like that years ago! I was supposed to make you do shitty things as punishment for leaving without even saying anything! You can't just now tell me you love me before I do all that! How am I supposed to make you pay for all these now!" Jaemin whined in between his soft cries which ended with a small "I love you too… but I'm still making you do shitty things!"

Jeno laughed out loud at that, his own eyes were glistening with unshed tears, but these tears were happy ones.

Na Jaemin hadn't changed a bit too. Still a crybaby, still in love with Jeno. & Jeno wouldn't want it other way.

**Author's Note:**

> find me at-
> 
> [Nabo’s here!](https://curiouscat.me/yrrosoban)


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